baldsarcasm.com

she said "david, you are such a beautiful person." as she rubbed my bald head.

my eyes started to filter the light in, and I blinked and i said, "where am I?"

she said, "david, you are in the hospital."

"how did i get here?" as 8 people, men and women tried and did, tie me down to the bed.

remember, what the door knobs said?

i said, "if i am staring at you i guess i am." while the bugs were flying in the room, biting me, stinging me and
the nurses coming into the icu room to calm me down, still tied to the sheets as if in my own wedding gown.

feed your head.

everybody asks me, "is there a heaven or a hell?" i am afraid not, there is nothing.

the past year continues:

"i was born to sing to you"

i had the great pleasure to turn 50. me? yes, 50 fucking years old.

Posted by dave burke at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

when i saw you at LAX, for your lay over, my heart jumped a beat or two. the circle has come two fast and over. your being there, still seems like a dream. as i have told you, i love you so much.

pictures from the past year, maybe no maybe yes, this has been my lesson in life.

from iraq to the icu, to porn stars to love. it's a very, very mad world.

**

when i was in the ICU, all i thought of was you. when i stared into your blue eyes. you rubbed my arm and i called you the wrong name. yes i did. i thought it was you, but it was you.

Posted by dave burke at 09:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by dave burke at 08:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by dave burke at 06:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

fathers day was fun, he was wearing a 'harley black t-shirt'. i just looked at my sister, gave her my look. i had to sit there with bad food and models in leather and g-strings and chaps? my sister just gave me the look back and my niece said, "i think this is not a restaurant for me."

oh well, it was great times though.

Posted by dave burke at 07:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

everyday i think about you. every fucking day. my eyes so well up. but it is okay. your loss, not mine

your words or lack of them sent me to a shrink. you asked for my forgiveness and i gave it to you but the pain is still with me. i will never forget you.

i just smile, all i can do. IT'S a hard thing to explain.

but i open now for business

Posted by dave burke at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

it's really not quite unlike the twilight zone, now is it?

how long has it been? been awhile. the death of my other dog, put me over the limit.
i am tired of death. have had enough of it.
too many in the last few years that have died.
not just pets, but family and best friends.

i walked out and blew my doctor off today.

people fucking with my mind, people fucking with love, people fucking with the truth?
it all comes around baby. does it not. it's all about friendship, is it not?
that is where my love blooms and also dying like a red rose in bloom.

i took the leaves and walked away, scattered them in a gutter. a driven gutter drain with snot and crap.

on it? i think not.

my heart goes out to so many people: family and friends. i might write again one day and show some pretty pictures. my words have moved so many people. i thank you, and my family. i love you all so much. i will
write again and i am sure it will not be pretty LOL

with that, i wish you all the best in life.

davey, over and out.

Posted by dave burke at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

man's best friend or should i say, my best friend.

we had a good run at it punky. you never left my side for 14 years. other then to ride a roller coaster, i can't think of anything we did not do together; from the beach to the mountains to camping. the park or just running over to get your favorite, a burger king double whopper. no tomato thank you very much! just like dad, me!

you are so missed and were also so loved by so many people and also by your beloved L. (elvis, your long time companion who passed on in 2005) you passed away in your sleep, peacefully. i hope you are in doggy heaven now.

i will miss you so much and i will never forget you baby girl. thank you for everything and all your unconditional love.

davey.

Posted by dave burke at 05:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

detox:

i stumbled and fell, crashed my head and the blood did flow. he picked me up and dragged me.

intervention:

i was tricked. into it all.

good thing:

i guess so. i lost it. it happens to people. nothing to be ashamed about.

pain:

get your ass home little bit. i love you. my promise has been kept. i don't want you to die.

*

this morning i got the call i have been waiting for, for so long now. "baby, guess what? i am in kuwait now and i am out of the war zone."

my prayers have been answered.

on the other. punky. i called danny tonight. your are with EL.

Posted by dave burke at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the apartment feels so empty now. the last of the revelers has parted and on their way for the day. the love remains though and will always stay.

john asked me this morning, "why do you look so sad and melancholy?"

i said, because i don't have anything to bitch about. if i am not bitching, i am not happy. or so it seems.

i have many pictures and thoughts, words of the last few months. i have neglected my 'dear diary' and have chosen to live my life not here, but in the real world. plus, it gets really boring after awhile reading about a tortured soul. even for myself. tortured i am, dealing with it i am. it makes for great writing though, even i have to admit.

*

the silence beckons my call. it comes in my sleep and in my dreams. my shrink says to just clap my hands, "and to let it all go." simple as that. LET IT ALL GO. it's hard to let it all go, the pain. she understands, my family understands and my close friends understand. i am doing my best to understand. to understand myself. i am doing my best to let it all go.

and yes, i have clapped my hands. more then once and with that i start a new year.

Posted by dave burke at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it's christmas. every time i speak to you, my life sounds so, um.
i just want you to come home. can i say it enough? probably not.

this one is for you. be safe and keep out of harms way.
iraq is not where you wanted to be, a doctor and all. there you are though. such is life
and how it all goes.

i love you and just wish you were home. all i have to say.

merry christmas to everyone. see you all next year.

davey

Posted by dave burke at 01:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the boy got an A+ on his term paper. i actually wrote it out for him. he wants to be a dentist. what ever. i could care less. to be honest. i do care, though, i used to change his diapers. now i change his words.

"blow into this tube" the nurse said. her name is kathy. "i have to take your car keys away, you will not drive out of here", she said. i called 3 people, they all showed up. the last 3 years, been tough. it has broken my soul, to the core.

mom, are you there? dammit please. i have been broken. like a face on cement. the blood has spattered. i beg of you mom, please? fuck please?

the tears cascade down upon my cheeks like blood on snow. snow that melts, but the blood always remains. stained on myself for life. stained on my heart.

mom please.

davey

Posted by dave burke at 08:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

october and november have both been quite the months. i don't even know where to start with it all. some good, some bad but that is life. you know?

when i can absorb it all in and formulate it all with words, pictures and videos. i will. i have not quite been able to put it all into words yet. maybe i am afraid to?

now comes one of my favorite months of the year, if not my favorite, december. bring on the cold. bring on the holidays. bring on the happiness and joy of it all. i of course will try to forget that i turn 49 this month. i will try and forget, but i doubt that i can. one thing is for certain, i will dwell upon that number big time. it's just a number though and numbers rarely mean much unless one hits the lottery with them.

such is life and so the saga continues:

Posted by dave burke at 08:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

you saved my life three weekends ago.

you called me this evening and we talked. i told you yes weeks ago, but in my gut i am not sure what to do. you say you love me and that i am the love of your life. i love you too, very much so.

what the fuck am i supposed to do? dammit janet, what am i supposed to do? i love you too with all of my heart.

davey

Posted by dave burke at 11:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Almost 1 million people forced from homes.

the smoke in the sky, the ashes falling down like gentle snow flakes, the redness of the sun on my face and on the pavement is so surreal in a way. the devestation is very difficult to comprehend. yesterday and today is not unlike a partial solar eclipse of the sun. there is that much smoke and ash in the sky. red sky in the eye. oh my.

oh yes, oh my. i wish i owned a car wash.

Posted by dave burke at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

when i fainted and collapsed last weekend at 'the park', you picked me up and carried me to a bench and called 911. i owe you my life. i do. you have been having a hard time dealing with this. i don't blame you for feeling that.

you are so mad at me.

i am so sorry i didn't tell you, i was going to though. please look at it this way: myself, my family who loves you and my friends said it would of happened at that moment anyways. i was blessed that it happened with you. i could have been in the pool, driving or shopping alone. i could have died.

you can not deal with fate and that you had saved my life. what goes around comes around. karma? karma makes me smile and why i am still here. i am so sorry i am so fucking sick. it's not my fault, it's just something i have to deal with and i hope you can too.

please forgive me. please?

Posted by dave burke at 07:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

we go back till 1991. long time mi amigo. we even lived together for 5 years and dated on an off since that time.

you are a moody, stubborn fuck. talking to you tonight just brought back horrible memories. i have to spend the day with you tomorrow. all ready telling me the rules what we can ride and not ride. i hate rules of any kind.

you want a second chance, but nothing has changed and it will never work. i will write about it all and take some pretty pictures of us. daniel i love you. i will always love you. you told me so much the last few weeks how much you love me. i understand danny. trust me i do. it can never work.

i never say never and i will give it one last try. from my heart and the love i still have for you.

Posted by dave burke at 08:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i thought of you today as i awaited the x-ray from yesterday.

october 6th, a day i will never, ever forget in my life.

i waited for the results. the results were clean, no lung cancer. the liver, well i think there is hope there.

you changed my life that day. to even write about it will just put more fire into your head. you were and always will be so full of yourself. a selfish bastard. i still can't believe how self-centered and selfish you were and are.

*

after i got my results #2 called. you keep saying that you love me and want a second chance. i know you too well, but i have left that door of options open.

love. it is so hard. to the person that broke my heart almost 3 years ago, i have nothing but love for you. do you remember asking me for my forgiveness? i gave it to you. i understood and i told you so. please stop with the yearly christmas presents and you can't even return a damn phone call.

**

i fell into my jeep yesterday at the hospital. i called my sister. i could not stop crying after seeing my new mother, my doctor. bless her heart and i told her that. both my doctor and my sister.

love, never forgets now does it?

does love ever forget in the heart?

no it does not.

***

love. do not take it for granted. please?

Posted by dave burke at 08:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

"He elicited laughter and boos from the audience at Columbia University when he said, "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country."

is that because you have hanged them all Mahmoud? *scratches head* why would you outlaw homosexuality in your country of Iran if you don't have any homosexuals there? *scratches head*

"If the Holocaust is a reality of our time, a history that occurred, why is there not sufficient research that can approach the topic from different perspectives?" he asked.

oh really?

"When pressed about the harsh treatment of women, homosexuals and academics who challenge Iran's government, Ahmadinejad painted a rosy picture, saying, "Women in Iran enjoy the highest levels of freedom," he said.

last i heard you beat women in the streets if their dresses are too short.

*

you are an insane dictator. an islamic whacko. you know what happens to whacko, islamic dictators don't you?

Posted by dave burke at 09:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the text message that was left for me this morning:

did we?

yes we did. you were so drunk off your ass last night when you called me and then i talked to you this morning after you text messaged me. i don't think i have ever, ever heard you so honest as you were last night. the odd thing, i spent over 6 years of my life with you. i don't think i ever really knew you.

honestly, your honesty blew me away last night. you asked me a question and i didn't even have to think about it, i just said yes. this was all sparked by you running into someone i used to know, there again your paths cross quite frequently.

you and i have had quite the past together. it's a period of my life i wish to forget just as you wish to. you asked me for a second chance and i said yes, last night. you still have the matching towel, the one that says your name on it that my mother bought us. i threw mine away though.

a second chance. i was not expecting what i heard last night. there again, this is life and one must expect the unexpected.

i love you too. always have and always will. i said yes. the ball is now in your court as you said to me this morning. please, no curve balls though. i have had enough thrown at me these past few years.

*

davey,

over and out.

Posted by dave burke at 09:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

it's the 6th anniversary of the first and only attack on american soil. an act of war which brought this country into two wars. no offense to all of the pearl harbor survivors, but that attack was not on american soil. hawaii was not a state at that time.

the world seemed to stop 6 years ago. each of us remember where we were and what we saw that morning. the feelings and emotions. the utter shock. i think people seem to forget why we are at war. they forget the thousands of americans that perished that morning in the name of what, ISLAM and terrorism. simple religious ideology and in their sick minds they wish to convert the world including the united states. that will never, ever happen and this modern day hitler named osama bin laden is nothing short of a madman. you will never, ever win and to be honest i can't wait until the day you hang by your neck.

i will also never forget that day peter and i were out on the observation area of the WTC. the sheer magnitude of the height made it all more chilling that morning of 9/11, watching people jump to their deaths. watching people choking in busted out windows to only see the towers collapse in a pile of broken ruins and bodies.

Posted by dave burke at 09:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

to lose 10 more pounds and to get my blood pressure around 100. i swear to god, i have a new mother. she is going to kill me.

i am not fat or over weight. i am just big with some muscles. two weeks from this thursday, to complete challenge #2. every time i walk in there, it gives me the creeps. on the scale, or strapped to a blood pressure machine. probed and prodded, every where. i wish sex were that good. maybe more sex is the clue to lose the weight?

i have to say, my new mother knows much more than i do and what she has told me works. i will lose the other 10 lbs in two weeks. then i will just fall between the cracks i suppose and die. i have to admit doctor, i have not felt or looked as good as i have these past couple of months under your care.

*

i wrote someone over the labor day weekend. then i was foolish enough to bring up the past, a past he does not wish to hear or admit to. i guess he can not deal with it or accept what he did. he told me he never wants me to contact him again, ever. don't ever, ever tell me never and so i contacted you back. you have changed so much, you are not the dear best friend i have had for so many years. it breaks my heart but we know about tears, do we not? we have shed so many tears together. there is one moment that will always stand out in my heart. it was about a year ago when i got the call and you were in bed. you held me and licked the tears off of my face, the news of my grandmothers death.

the door to my heart is always open. with that i say goodbye my dear friend.

Posted by dave burke at 02:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i, like everyone else on the planet gets so much of it. i don't get the concept of it all. to me it would be a huge waste of time. in the daily trojan, at USC, they recently wrote that the university gets over 50 million spam emails per month. at first i thought that was absurd but then i did the math. it does add up.

i tried an experiment over the weekend. i actually answered a spammer. you know the one, where someone wants to give you a zillion dollars for your bank account information. what blew me away is that they actually wrote me back with a form to fill out. using the same email address that they had sent it from.

please kids, i don't have the time to fill out any forms for my zillion dollars.

Posted by dave burke at 06:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

to this all. been awhile. apartment life.

she had been slugged in her left eye. and asked for my help.

they left their bird to die, their kitten i have fed. the bird and the kitten, where do I let it go?

or can i.

i can't. let it go. the screams of a women, a person. the meows of a kitten who needed to be fed. the bird that was just let go, freed from her cage but in a disastrous way. strangled and dead.

*

verbal, no less physical abuse is, is not a pretty site. black and blue eyes with a greenish tint. beat up very hard but yet so tight. she tried to tell me but i did not pry even after seeing the obvious, hearing it.

**

abuse, i have seen and heard it first hand. so have my neighbors, but we do nothing. they have all come to me, to be the saviour and to resolve the situation. i will try my best to.

***

i must have had over 25 people ask me yesterday if i were going out. to be honest, i lost count after 25. i know the 'event' that went on last night, but it happens every month. i am not missing out on anything. plus, it all gets too weird for me. to go.

i have gone, but there are many reasons as to why i don't go. it's my fault though, having this site and also being on other sites. to have people come up to you, to think they know you, is so disturbing: "hi davey, i know you" no, you don't even know me. you see pictures here and there and you read some words. you wish to shake my hand, hug me or get down my pants.

i guess i should be flattered. i find it disturbing though.

those that are so close to me do not read this site. they have their reasons as to why they do not. they are not bad reasons, they just find it strange to read. what i write about. over the past seven years i have gotten myself into a lot of trouble with my writing. i have even had my life threatend so many times. it kind of gets old after awhile.

i guess i should be flattered.

i still find it disturbing though.

davey,

over and out.

Posted by dave burke at 12:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the car died, the battery and the radiator. we pushed that car while the green goo spilled forth. pete and victor thought it was a good time to smoke a joint while i jumped the clutch, hot, mad and upset. i just wanted to call my mom and dad to save me from that madness. we had david bowie playing. ziggy stardust. it all become one blur of a very hot day. joints and beer, an endless supply. for good measure, there was plenty of coke to snort.

we did push that car. the three of us. stoned. it was the US festival you know, the second one and as we walked in U2 were playing. i was so stoned out my mind. i was a constant bitch about shit and that car. i sat down on the grass on that hill and quietly listened. listen i did while i prayed.

pray i did. stuck in the middle of nowhere which today is stuck in the middle of somewhere. the last bus to arrive at that dusty parking lot, after david bowie got off, stage that is. lucky for us, there were some mexicans with jumper cables and water. thank you mexicans. you got us home safe and sound. god works in mysterious ways, or maybe god was a mexican that late night.

i swore i would never do that shit again, but there came coachella. oh my. need i say more? at least the roads are paved, still a dusty, dirty lot though. we had a great car. times have changed, no drugs. just beer, water and pizza.

*

the roads are always sticky and wet. sometimes you slip. not your fault, you just slip. it's life. one slides. up and down:

*

the blood pressure has fallen from 165 in april to 114, checked this past week. i was given many ultimatums by my doctor. i hate ultimatums. i am used to giving them. i could not ignore her though and she has taken me under her wing. to think i went in, in april, just for new glasses. i am really glad that i did.

i have always taken my health for granted. it would seem that all of these years to retain an image have hurt me severally, health wise. the hard work outs, the eating to remain a frame of 250 lbs of muscle and fur. if anything, i did reach that goal. now i have a new goal. my doctor wants me down to 170-180 lbs from the 200 lbs i am at now.
my eyes got huge, "but doctor you don't understand all of those years of abuse and hard work!!". she looked at me and said, "there is the alternative and i don't think you would like it very much david".

so to make my pretty doctor happy. i mean we are almost married, she has had her fingers up my ass. isn't that a sign of marriage? i have done everything she continues to tell me to do. she was impressed i dropped down from 210 to 200 lbs in three weeks. she was impressed i lowered my blood pressure by sticking to around 2 grams of salt per day. (let's be honest here i am on blood pressure medication now, but she said the major drop was also due to the change in my eating and drinking habits) she was impressed i had not had any beer, god knows i love beer!! not a one. she said to drink red wine. i was like, okay i like red wine. she was impressed i had not had any hard liquor. (okay, i lied on that one. i had to have some caddy-margs while having a low sodium mexican plate of food)

there again i don't think myram reads this website. i hope not anyways, sorry about the caddy margs doctor.

**

push and shove. i have both pushed and shoved. i have been both pushed and shoved. the odd thing, i have not weighed 170 or so since i was in high school. once i discovered weights i have always been a big man. those days are over i guess. i can still be big but within reason, a different type of big. i guess my goal is a swimmers build now.

anyone have a pool?

Posted by dave burke at 01:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

that was the last time that i would see you, outside of a hospital. you would die just a few months later.

i still cry.

there is no bond on this planet like that between a mother and her son. you taught me so much and i miss being able to speak to you. even as you were dying, you held me and told me that everything was going to be okay.

i truly wish to believe in that.

god, i wish you could hold me just once again.

i miss you so much.

Posted by dave burke at 06:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

david, i layed in the shower this morning, bawling. i could not stop crying. the water, the shower, just rushing over and soaking my tears. david? hello?

i did the same. i bawled my ass off in the shower that morning as well. i felt like glen close in the 'big chill'. i did make the trek though and i got lost. my ass was saved big time on that day at a burger king in pasadena. i told everyone that i would get lost. lost i was, terribly and horribly frustrated. of course, i had the typical davey temper tantrum.

*

i patted his mother on her heart, not unlike i do with anyone close to me. i said he will always be alive in our hearts. she burst into sobs and as she hugged me, her warm tears stained upon my shirt. solid and stained with love as the sweat dripped down my face.

the unexpected death of an old, dear friend of so many people has rocked so many peoples life's.

**

***

i loaned out the video tape of a new years eve that i had shot so many, many years ago. i did it out of respect and for those that still wish to remember you. i did not wish to let go of that tape being the selfish person that i am. it is in good hands though and one day it will be returned to me.

****

it is august already. my how the time does fly. it has been one hell of an interesting month, these past 30 days or so. oh well,

i will miss you so very much and yes you did say that the room moves with me. see i got the last word in, bye my friend.

davey,

over and out.

"Dear Family & Friends,

As most of you know Art has not been in the best of health for the past 6 months and I have some sad news to share with you all today and that is of Art's passing earlier this morning due to complications from internal bleeding which they could not get under control.

Needless to say this is a sad moment for us all and especially his long time partner Robbie, Art's mother and family. So as soon as I have more details about the funeral plans I will let you all know. Finally, this is a very sad day for me because I have lost a very dear friend.

Mark

Posted by dave burke at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

just a few words, okay? i can not, not say anything:

robert, it was an absolute pleasure to have had finally met you yesterday. it was a wonderful afternoon; a great lunch, a bit of starbucks and a little bit of shopping. the afternoon just flew by so quickly.

robert, you are such a beautiful man with a heart of gold and a most beautiful soul. i look forward to meeting your partner alec and to hanging out again.

thank you again for a most wonderful sunday afternoon.

Posted by dave burke at 08:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

*

it would appear that i have upset and pissed off 3 people, men to be exact about the first part of the below post. i have to say i am very flattered that each of you thought it was about you. in all honesty, it was not about any of you at all. it is about someone though and also about myself. butt skank and the smell on my fingers was meant as a metaphor and the smell of it all a couple of months ago raised the dead. me. i thank that person for doing that. he does not even know i have this site but even if he did i would have still written what i had wrote. this is after all, all about me.

i bare my soul here. this is the nuts and bolts and jolts of my life. my life and mine alone. jay once screamed at me (if you read this i mean this with all love and respect) that i was a pitty party for one. my best friend mark of 25 years told me recently that i look at the glass half-empty. it's true, i do not deny that. i am not going to ever change though, it's just a part of many parts of my personality.

there is something, as i said in the below post, that is missing. i have not found it yet. i still say i need more:

butt skank.

Posted by dave burke at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i sniff my fingers, i can smell it.

gag you did. i kind of like that. like when i grabbed your hair and forced you down. you gagged. i can still smell your butt skank though. one should come showered at least? or if the last shit you had taken, please just wipe.

*

yes take a butt swipe. at least. i think you came in my mouth twice. this was just last night. i know i know, i have become a total slut.

why in the fuck do i meet the hottest men and why do you all like me? i can not figure it out.

then they leave. i snore to loud. they all say this. yes, i snore horribly loud. of course it does not wake me up at all just the dead sleeping next to me.

**

i was thinking about you today. i miss you and i miss you too. i do really miss you two so much. it's okay, you have followed your dreams. i made my dreams come true just as the both of you two are doing now. the two of you became such a part of my life but then it was time for the goodbyes. i have never liked goodbyes and i never will. one might ask, "who is, who is these two?" talk to my heart, it has the answer.

"it's been very rough these past few years. very rough."

pixels and well worm strips of black print:

"love, men and sex. vacations. family and friends. deaths. changes at work. my own newly found health issues. the world and where it is all headed, what it has become and what it will be."

***

i really thought this 1,500 dollar a month apartment was just going to be my sojourn for awhile but it has become my solace. it is where i hide from the madness of this stinking planet at times. things did not work out like i had thought exactly and i never thought i would be in an apartment like this either. go figure.

a best friend said to me the other day "i always look at the glass half full but david you always look at it half empty."

he is right and why i do this i have not a clue. i have had great success, i have everything beautiful i have ever wanted. great family and friends too but i still feel like something is missing.

****

maybe i just need more butt skank on my fingers?

*****

over and out,
and as always your,

davey.

[davey, it's homage to my mother who i miss every fucking day. everyday. a catholic girl gone wild who got knocked up with me. not really though, she married a man named jim who fell in love with her when she was cage dancing on the sunset strip one night and they had me. their marriage did not last long though.

mom stopped dancing and went on to secretary school. she worked two jobs, one for the may company and one for cedars, the hospital. the doctor had the hots for my mom, they had an affair. he blew his brains out in the office one day while my mother sat outside. not long after that a man named les was putting in a new phone system at the hospital. they fell in love. hence, my new dad and to be a new sister.

mom went on to help those that could not be helped and worked for a rest home for over 25 years. her funeral was amazing and those that came to express their love for her. including my friends and ex-partners.

i was raised by my mother, grandmother (my mothers mother) and my aunt stella and her husband uncle barry (my mothers brother), when i was young before dad #2.

my mom gave me my first ciggie at 5yrs old. she was the first one that took me to my first beach around the same age and she also took me on my first coaster, the matterhorn at disneyland. she took me to my first concert, ray charles at the shrine auditorium. she never stopped showing me and teaching me. i still can not forget when in college she wanted to smoke a joint with me. remember the time you took me to TJ? then you had to deal with your only son being gay. you dealt with it pretty well and i have to say that your love and support of myself and my partners to come, that is something i can never forget.

thank you for a great life and all that you have taught me. you raised a great son.]

Posted by dave burke at 05:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

one day the canoe flipped. you fell out and you went into cardiac arrest. i grabbed you and swam you to the shore. to this day you still thank me for saving your life. i didn't save your life, i just did what anyone would do. to this day you still thank me. i still think about it though. *shrugs*

one day the car crashed. it was horrific. metal meets metal, skin to skin. face to glass. my friend brad revived me, mouth to mouth. he saved my life. i was a bloody broken down mess. you did save my life brad. i still thank you until this day. i still think about it though. *shrugs*

anyways it's time to switch the wash.

now maybe 'you' will understand why i don't like driving that much, to this day.

Posted by dave burke at 11:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

thank you dad. if not for you, i would not have made it this far in life. all those times i wanted to give up you just shut me down and told me to move on or go with the flow. you were right, you know?

i love you so much dad. i can't imagine my life without you in it.

Posted by dave burke at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

so, suckle upon this you worthless one. suckle while you dill-pickle yourself around the sage-stage of brush. NAKED. up up up, dare you go. UP? why not, ya got's nothing to lose. now do you? nothing but your life and your dignity. correcto-mundo? all mumbo-jumbo, i know. when the tree does shatter in the woods, yes one can hear it crash and when it does it will explode your bust-a-matic royal flush. are you red now in the face of the glowing aces? i thought knot. yes knot. knot away on your bridge of play.

so be it. i have not done this in ages.

okay, let the horse and pony show begin:

it was almost 4 years ago that they moved us off of campus. we moved to a skyscraper in downtown los angeles, bunker hill to be exact. it was an amazing experience that not even a virtual tour can do justice to. bunker hill has changed a lot since when i was a child growing up in hollywood. the area is rich in history as the above links will explain. though it was moved one block over during the construction of the bunker hill of today, just to see the angel's flight on a daily basis brought back so many memories. a young boy traveling up it with his mother to go shopping, to sitting amongst the beautiful parks, to admiring the old victorian homes. of course, that all has long past changed.

we are all boxed up once again and we will be moved, back to the USC campus. working in downtown los angeles opened up my eyes to a whole new, vibrant and exciting way of life. i will miss it dearly. one door slams shut but another door opens.

such is life and with that some parting pictures:

*

davey,

over and out.

**

on a side note that i wish to remember: art, i will never forget the good times we have had here and there over the course of over 20 years. the sudden passing of you today stunned not only myself but most importantly those that have been so very close to you and also your very special partner. you will never be forgotten. rest in peace and god bless your soul sweet man. thank you for everything through the years. you will be missed by so many.

Posted by dave burke at 11:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

still with the living:

i have re-worked this post now 4 times over the weekend. this is my 4th attempt. publish, unpublish. what to really say and to not say? it has troubled me horribly.

i do not know what to say. those that are close to me or care, know the truth.

i will leave it at that for now.

over and out,

davey.

Posted by dave burke at 04:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

happy mothers day momma:

where ever you are at.

grandma, same for you:

*

i did not even cry today. i was ashamed of myself. i was making jokes. jokes not to hide the pain, just jokes. i have no tears left for you. for either of you. i do miss you so very much, both of you. you raised me, best as you could. it's been hard mom, very difficult for all parties involved.

i do love you. i do miss you. thank you for the great life you have given me. i think i have put the past to rest finally and i have moved on.

happy mothers day,

your devoted,

davey.

Posted by dave burke at 04:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

everything always comes to an end. it is

the memories are not though. they are kept under keep and well in tuck. fuck, the memories of a lifetime for so many family members. as i said, nothing stays the same, not life not even hair or looks:

one door closes, another one opens. i put my faith in 'gawd'. still waiting for my hair to grow back though?

*

"Didn't you see me catch your tears?" he said.

"Didn't you see me catch your tears?" he said once again.

with that i awoke. pillow soaked in sweat.

you had just put elvis outside, ready to leave and for life. your bags were packed. face drawn and content. everything was spent. away you went, you didn't even vent. you just left.

the dream was all to real, i did though wake with a smile.

you always catch my tears even if just in my dreams. i thank you for that. if nothing else.

gone. it's the last time, even for you.

Posted by dave burke at 09:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

i feel like a damn pin cushion. it's not even over yet. tomorrow some more. oh joy.

my family have been nothing but angels. my father, my sister and my niece. all of you, i really am not going to name you all here. my close friends. nothing short of just angels. what goes around comes around and it has come around big time in my life. the love and the help. thank you so much. karma is a good thing. it is repaid 10 fold, even though no payment was due here. i just feel so lucky and thankful. i feel so blessed.

*

no red meat.
no alcohol.
no sodium (limited).
no smoking.
no dairy products (limited).
no grease, no fat.
no sugar (limited).

more veggies.
more exercise.
more veggies.
more exercise.
more poultry.
more veggies.
more exercise.
more poultry.

**

how did i celebrate the good news? i purchased a package of marlboro reds of course and one V-8 juice, 650 mgs of sodium mind you. enough sodium and nicotine to blast my high blood pressure into a new day.

i have not fully absorbed the reality of it all yet or what i am going to do. i have not grasped the situation or maybe i just don't wish to acknowledge the reality of, the reality.

reality. it sucks.

***

davey,

over and out.

for now.

Posted by dave burke at 09:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

where am i going with this?

i removed a post the other day. the 2nd time here i have ever done that. it felt too angry.

i am angry though and so very sad. i have to be honest, i like others, have shed so many tears.

there are moments in life one will never forget:

"I remember when my mother was chain smoking and bawling."

like mother like son. do you remember that day? i do. so very well.

"i did not understand why my mother was so upset. crying. smoking."

she had the television on. i was almost 5 years old. hearing my mothers screams. because of that box. the sobbing.

"i could not get her attention for days. so i had a plan."

i stole one of her bobby-pins. my secret weapon of destruction. in my shorts and well hidden.

"if you ever, ever stick something into a socket i am going to spank you."

i got spanked very hard for putting that bobby-pin into the socket. i got my mothers attention. in hind sight, i think i brought her out of her coma at that time.

she was upset over the brutal assassination of a president.

*

i understand my mothers anger and the tears. they would continue through out the years, over tragic events. so do mine.

like mother, like son.

**

born into dramatics, that be me. what can i say. you know? can't hide the truth now can we. as i face monday morning and the truth about it all.

i know too many damn people. too many want to just talk or hangout. i hope i have been an angel to you. you have been one to me.

***

is this like a yearly thing or what? damn phone keeps going off but i can't answer it. guess i have to get a new cell phone. again. maybe i can do without a phone?

Posted by dave burke at 03:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

April 17, 2007

"TO: the USC Community

Like Americans and people around the world, we at USC are shocked and pained by the terrible events at Virginia Tech University. The killing and wounding of students and professors - the attack on a sister institution - affects us, as well as colleagues at other colleges and universities, in a special way. Whatever sense of dwelling on an oasis of rationality and order we have carried into the 21st century has been severely compromised by the sound of bullets and screams and tears.

Where shall we turn at such a time? To one another, to the leaders of our academic community, and for some of us, to God. Clearly, all of us connected to American higher education need to reaffirm our commitment to reasoned discourse, to building a civil society, and to relating to one another with kindness.

For several years now, the Office of Religious Life has sponsored an Interfaith Memorial Service honoring those who passed away and are being mourned by graduating students, as well as other members of the Trojan Family who died in the past year or years. After deliberation, we have decided to expand that service to include a special memorial to the students and faculty who died at Virginia Tech, and prayers from us for their academic community. President Steven B. Sample will offer a tribute to those whose lives were lost, and will lead us in reflection and in solidarity with Virginia Tech.

The Interfaith Memorial Service will take place on Thursday, April 19, at 5:00 pm in the sanctuary of the United University Church, located at 817 W. 34th Street, just west of the JEP House. There will be short readings, prayers and music; and those present will be invited to light memorial candles.

The names of those who have died will be listed in the program and read aloud during the service. If you would like to add a name or if you have questions, please contact me at 740-6110 or Laemmle@usc.edu, or the senior associate dean of religious life, Reverend Elizabeth Davenport at ejld@usc.edu.

May USC, our loved ones and all of us, our country and all countries, be protected and spared further violence. And may we be strengthened in creating a more peaceful world.

Rabbi Susan Laemmle
Dean of Religious Life"

Posted by dave burke at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

to give you bones.

it's hard, i know. trust me. when i stare into your eyes. you just want to come home.

home is no more. it has not been and never ever, will be again.

how do you explain this to a dog when you stare into her sad eyes?

there is always the future baby girl:

'old' pictures from two years ago, the last easter i would spend with my two parents

**

i don't remember when she was given the nickname of 'baby girl', but that is what i call her the majority of the time. her real name is pumpkin which morphed into punky shortly after she came into our lives.

the year was 1994, the summer of 1994. i came home from work one day to find ex-husband #2 (danny) blow drying what appeared to be an over sized rat but which in fact turned out to be a puppy. she had just had a flea bath.

***

i have been taking care of 'the big house' for the past week or so while the remnants of my immediate family are in wyoming. the big estate sale comes at the end of the month. house and land, beautiful land, sold to the highest bidder. i pleaded with my father to purchase it all, keep it in the family but his only interest seems to make sure his 'model-t' makes it home. here. i guess we all have our priorities in life? i know dad, it's rough when you lose your mother but sometimes i have to wonder if you are truly thinking straight? it so bothers me dad. i can stare right into your eyes and ask you questions point blank and all i get is a blank reply. vacant eyes looking for that rental sign.

vacant eyes i have seen light up through this past week. my cat mookie rubbing against my whiskers, gently rubbing his paw and claws across my cheek. gently biting my hairy forearms, with love and respect. pleading for me to rub his furry belly and top side. punky, her eyes wide with delight. wagging her tail inside her dog house. sitting, and shaking my hand. following me and never leaving my side. my mom's two poms, jackson and 'baby girl' (yes another baby girl) just looking for attention and love. two beautiful dogs in their own right.

****

punky, i will never forget that day and that moment. 'the dump' was about cleared out. people were outside talking and mingling, some goodbyes said, others helping to transport the last loads. you knew something was going on, i watched you through out the day, through the move. i saw your nervous eyes.

as i carried the last box out of the house you flew beside me and past the screen door and jumped into the jeep, upon your seat. the passenger side seat. it was if you were saying, "you are not leaving me behind". i had to take you back into 'the dump' and you had to spend the night alone in an empty house. i can't imagine what you were thinking that night as i tried to sleep in a bed, in a new place, a bed you had known so well.

your new home of the past almost couple of years is not so bad. you are loved so very much and are well taken care of. it's been great spending time once again with you and mookie.

your eyes do well up with tears baby girl and i do understand.

i miss you too.

i am so sorry.

Posted by dave burke at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

how does one segue from jesus to roller coasters?

i guess one just does.

yesterday was spent at Knott's Berry Farm. I don't know how many pictures i took yesterday, not one came out good. i am not sure if it were the vodka shots or the green weed smoke that did me in. yes, i am a firm believer in 2nd hand smoke. i also lost my voice. which most people that know me would tell you, it's a damn great thing!

speaking of bad pictures, what is up with amusement parks and their pictures? why not just put cameras in the restrooms while we all take shits? because that is always the faces that you see.

clockwise ex-husband #1 (peter), myself, louis their son, and chris, peters husband. not so complicated as it sounds.

i was in heaven yesterday. not only because of the company, who mean the world to me, but also for the rides. i have to say that the Xcelerator kicks some major ass. chris and i rode that together, right after the supreme scream. we could not stop cussing nor laughing.

i am still smiling and laughing. what a great day at the park.

Posted by dave burke at 01:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it's really not about cute, furry cuddly bunny wa-butts and candy and eggs now is it?

it's really about the savage, cruel death of a man, condemned and put to death by the jews and the roman occupiers who did not want to get involved. a man who proclaimed he was the son of GOD.

the son of GOD.

the jews felt he was a blasphemer and not the messiah. not the true one.

*

who really knows, you know? if a 'man' is willing to stand up for his beliefs and to die for them. it gives me faith and hope for everyone.

we all have our own crosses to bare. we all have our own personal miracles. we all have been hammered upon that cross.

that cross we bare.

the son of GOD. i wish to think so.

all i know is that he preached the love and acceptance for everyone.

Jesus.

with that i drop my humble head.

Posted by dave burke at 09:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

7 am. the roast will be done.

crock pot woh's, while i fathom the storm.

people ask me why, then i just break down and cry.

they are all going home and i feel so alone.

alone.

where i wish to be. don't bother me.

the demons alone in my heart and within my head,
make me slither and fret.

*

to #3, you raised over 4 K for the marathon. i am so glad i was able to help you.

to #1, i can't wait to ride coasters on monday, with you, your partner and your son.

**

i do not like politics. i hate the whole system. you have the femi-crats or the repub-la-czars.

when i watched my mother slowly die. she died a horrible death.

i keep asking myself. why?

i ask why to the people that are voted in, in this country. WHY can we not take care of our own. WHY can we spend billions upon billions over the world, but not HERE?

this is freedom?

i think so many elected people have forgotten this:

BILL OF RIGHTS
THE FIRST 10 AMENDMENTS TO THE CONSTITUTION
AS RATIFIED BY THE STATES

Note: The following text is a transcription of the first 10 amendments to the Constitution in their original form. These amendments were ratified December 15, 1791, and form what is known as the "Bill of Rights."

THE PREAMBLE TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Congress of the United States
begun and held at the City of New-York, on
Wednesday the fourth of March, one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine.

THE Conventions of a number of the States, having at the time of their adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.

RESOLVED by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by three fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said Constitution; viz.

ARTICLES in addition to, and Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, proposed by Congress, and ratified by the Legislatures of the several States, pursuant to the fifth Article of the original Constitution.

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

***

none of my friends understand. they have yet to experience this.

it's like i just lay down and bawl. i curl up into a ball. you did tell me that this would be how it feels.

one day.

mom, i miss you so much. still.

Posted by dave burke at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

"Hi all,

Jane and Faye"

going,

GOING,

GONE.

some items can not ever be sold. they are not up for sale.

"mah, he just snuck in through the back door. yes pah, he did. what a great back door it is, he is one of ours now."

sadly, everything must come to an end. i will miss being able to go 'home'.

Posted by dave burke at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

i tried the drawing last week as it soared by friday.

6 tickets. my win? one mega number for a whopping 2-bucks.

i have thrown my 2 dollars of winnings, i don't like to think of the
other 4 dollars i lost, into tonights big drawing.

10 tickets now. 1 in 176 million chance of winning it all, 370 million or so. i figured with 10 tickets i would increase my odds. yes, slightly if that.

i know there will be this kindly looking elderly couple in 'dumbfuck' iowa who will win it. give most of it to their church, by new homes for all of their grandkids and college educations for all. take that cruise they have always wanted to take and maybe get some more bible study classes in. between the dollar slots, drinks and great tanning time of course.

my goal? to maybe win my investment back. there again we can all dream and a new
house and cruise sounds great to me and maybe i will move to iowa and get a great tan!!

Posted by dave burke at 04:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

like a cranky-cranky ass up carburetor?

i doubt the squats will fit, between your legs. riding? up on and up and down, into your swollen hole.

while the cum drips from your eye, do you like to swallow it, taste it? most snakes do.

do you really like to taste life?

the splatter over your chest, the gagging? while your throat does the 'dose-e-doh'? like an artery spilt, sliced and spilling all upon you.

when you had wished you had not have gone so far? just a question. it will never be answered. though.

*

let the blood spill.

another two years of bullshit? i suppose so. why not? it's so cheap and so are you. yes you!! like a cheap whore dressed in her jay-c-penny best with the needles still in your chest, you still cum back for more abuse. or is it all a ruse? it's up to you to decide but the numbers do not lie.

numbers, they do not lie nor I. let the blood spill for two more years. 1999 was when this all started as i stare at 2007. it's been a long time. not really i guess in the grand scheme of things but two more years?

**

once again i have to say i have done it my way. no quizzes, no boyfriend talk. nothing to capture you into the 'comment zone'. no party dresses, no drag, no cameras at times. just a simple, humble man who happens to be gay. words, words is what bring you back. not pictures, words. okay okay, i have done the quiz thing and the partner thing. okay okay, i showed my back, my ass and my chest here once or twice. what was i thinking? then when i became a 4-eyes i could not wait to post it here. that 4-eyes post got me the most comments i have ever, ever received here. i have learned my lesson though with many regards. i was naive at times. yes, there are people that read this and yes you can hurt someones feeling horribly with words and pictures, though there was no intent on my part to do that. honesty sucks at times, to hear it or to read it. i have learned restraint. for others but not for myself.

for all the many people that have taken the time to send an email through the years or a note or a present in the mail and for those of you i have had the pleasure to have met; what can i say, other then i love you.

i really do. you all have made life worth living at times. trust me.

***

crack open that costco size box of razor blades, slice open those wrists and let the blood spill. let it spill all upon your 200 hundred dollar pair of jeans. slice your heart open and wear it upon your sleeve. do you see the red? it's crimson like your heart and what is in your head.

slip upon the blood. crash upon the dirt. vomit up the rocks. be honest and you will garner the respect of those,

who love you.

i have and so can you.

****

to my family and my friends: thank you for putting up with it. it's been hard, i know. thank you for trying to at least accept this, my thoughts and my stories. it has been really rough and ugly at times. kinda like sliding down a kite string, but the string is not all lubed up and the next thing you know, you have 'dental' floss of the ass. i will continue to spill my blood though. i have to and i will continue to floss that ass of mine.

i still mourn the loss of you mom. i am not sure what it is, but when a son losses his mother. the words you whispered to me on your death bed, haunt me. still. the words you said. the breathless whisper, you said "davey, don't worry so much about life. everything will be okay."

i so wish to believe that mom.

over and out,

davey.

Posted by dave burke at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

i hate when this crap happens.

to the left i approached judy, the suction iron horse in hand. i glanced to my right, down, the antique dresser, my mothers. just like a poor feline,

hit with the mallet, clubbed upon the head. waiting for the the hot oil and to be skinned a-live, death.

every hair on my body stood up and proud, like a rock hard penis as a chill ran up my spine and down, down like a circus clown, to the ground. angst.

the dA-"zhä-'vü was most unsettling, to the stomach, like a milk and vodka smoothie with a whiskey after chaser. been there, done that. not the chaser though. chase i did though.

my mind scrambled like an over easy, all the fluid running out, not the yellow but not ever easy. over and red.

i will keep what i saw to myself.

he would never listen to me anyways, so why bother. it's coming though and i refuse to pick up the phone.

*

the phone, like an uber hot stone has been thrown into my lap. because of the rain, the big plans for the day have been cancelled. cancelled by some but continued by others.

'yo-ho-yo-ho a pirates life for me.'

dead men tell no tales.

write? right, they still tell the tales only that they still come through in 'dreams'. dreams are all we have it seems at times. does any of the above make sense? of course not, it only makes sense to a handful of people. myself hardly included.

now where did i put those mickey ears and where in the hell is my umbrella?

ugh.

Posted by dave burke at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

To A Keeper:

"One day a mother died.

Life is important,
and so are the people we know.
And so, we keep them close."

Yes, You are a Keeper. I love You all.

Posted by dave burke at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

yup. i did fall. missed the last step while carrying my laundry down.

down i went, face first unto the concrete. my face, right knee cap and right ankle took the brunt of it all.

bruised face, bruised knee cap and a swollen right foot that i don't even recognize.

i am such a ditzy-klutz. it's not the first time i have missed the last step while walking down some stairs.

damn-it-jan-it

not the first time nor will it be the last time.

ouch

chock one up for a very bruised ego.

how did i get through it all? 'the sound of music' of course. ankle-vise, ankle-vise... yup yup. ankle-vise.

Posted by dave burke at 04:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

january. was there even a month of january this year and when did it morph into february?

i have been beyond bored as of late. i need adventures and the stimulus by-product, of such. maybe it's just the after holiday blues or maybe it's the cold weather as of late. i long for spring and summer. don't get me wrong, i love the winter, the cold and the rain. i just wish we had more of it but then i get bored for the warm, hot weather. pools, the beach, the mountains, the desert.

i have zero big adventures coming up in the near future. there is late spring though. the visit of a great friend and of course Coachella. late april and early may are a long ways off. i don't even have any vacation plans up in place as of yet. anyone wish to invite me somewhere, in the states of course? ( i can't leave the country yet. nothing bad, just a long inconvienent story which i have not dealt with yet. ) there is always 'home', wyoming and the black hills of south dakota. there is also more of yellowstone that i did not get a chance to explore the last time i was there. we covered a lot of ground though in the two days we were there and that could have only been possible through someone that had been there so many times, and that would have been zach, my fearless tour guide while we were there.

*

well, the super-duper bowl i thought was grand this year. ( sorry, not into 'princess'. i was not big on the half-time show. ) the colts, the team i was routing for won and that was a good thing. i am shallow, i go for the best looking quarter-back. who needs stats and odds? i don't.

**

this is how boring my life has been as of late. once i again i watched 'sideways' on dvd, on a saturday night. that dvd was given to me as a gift from my great friend uli. he said i would love it and he was and still is right. in 5 months, i can't tell you how many times i have watched this dvd. if you have never seen it and like sarcasm, dark comedy and adventures you will love it. sounds just like me: sarcastic, dark and adventures with a lot of fun thrown in.

i of course fell asleep on the couch with the movie back at the main menu. i did not realize that my glasses had fallen off of my big nose. stands up, crunch. the lenses are plastic of course, i just lost the right side of the glasses, the frame. now i will look like someone at an audition for revenge of the nerds. at least i can still use them. if you have ever driven with me you would know how important the glasses are especially at night. before i submitted a few years ago to being a 'four eyes', my friends at night would literally have to tell me when an offramp was coming up or an interchange and what lane to get on, on the freeway. in hindsight, it was pretty fucking stupid of me to drive like that at night, but what the hell, i love adventure and powering a ton or so of machinery and not beeing able to see where one is headed.

***

hmmm, is it still too late to post some purdy pictures from the christmas and new years holidays? oh well, the moment has passed. i really need to get my lazy 'fat' ass into gear. i might even link... fuck that.

true true, come and go. blow. links. pictures. whatever.

Posted by dave burke at 10:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

the weather, like conjugated snot-rot?

it's the work of the devil i tell ya. the work of the devil.

if so, hell has truly frozen over. oh my, can you believe the weather here? i never thought i would see the day. the day has come. come again and again because i love it. it's been one of those weekends, listening to way to much of 'the adolescents' and way too much of 'bauhaus'. i still have that obession, and it's not trying to build a 'blond haired man with a tan'.

speaking of words:

my precious niece called me yesterday. she has to write a paper. the theme? if you could control anything on this planet, what or whom would you control and why? we talked well over an hour on the subject.

dolphins. she wants to control the dolphins. she even had the name of her heroine picked out. she wanted to know my thoughts and ideas on such a paper to write. i really didn't understand up front why she wants to control the dolphins and live under water. i know of her love of dolphins, myself included. it runs in our family. greenpeace, well just one of the many charities. like uncle, like niece i guess. i guess i have rubbed off on her.

she mentioned the manhattan sized 'berg' or two that have broken off. she mentioned the odd weather we have been having. she mentioned global warming. she mentioned that to survive one day we will have to live under or on the water. she said earth would become a 'water world' and that to survive we will need the dolphins. then we talked about the last ice age. she seemed very frightned and concerned about the future of this planet.

"i love you uncle david" i love you too. so damn much. you really have no idea how much you are loved. you don't ever have to worry about anything. there are so many guardian angels floating around you. she asked me, once again, "uncle david, when are you going to write a book?" i think she meant a novel. just sit on that corn flake and wait for the band to come. you know, babe? the only thing you have to worry about is hillary clinton becoming president. i shudder at the thought. maybe monica as vice president? just a thought. where is that dress and impeachment cigar?

**

my phone has been a constant ring this week over the below. plans are in progress even as i write this.

can it get any better? rumours have it, it will get even better. how rad, i am totally stoked. did i just say that? i guess i will never grow up. that is how i like it. the ying, the yang and the crank on that chain. pull it hard, cuz if you don't you will miss out. on life. smash trash, roll over and die. no way. trash floats in the wind and so do i, with the trash. unless a dolphin carries me away?

***

with that. with what? what what? i will never forget that WHAT?

peace and love, over and out.

david

yep, i used david. davey is in hibernation. for now anyways.

Posted by dave burke at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

he was never good at directions or trying to find his way. i first met him in december of 1991.

he always calls when he is lost

"you are the one i let slip away", he always says. he said it again tonight on the phone, while he was crossing the desert for home. i told him which way to go, to find home. i am always the one with the directions, though he and I had travelled those miles so many times together. we just laughed about it all on the phone this evening.

he gave me the news, thanksgiving of 2000. i winced and i cried. so did my family who were so very close to him. there was so much anger as to how and why. he did not understand. why him and not me? it was frustrating for all the parties involved.

daniel. better known on this site as danny, ex-husband #2. it has been a long road, has it not my friend? the anger and frustration filtered it's way into the positive zone. many pictures here and there of us, many stories of our past together written down here. all the hurdles that you have had to leap. blind faith. how many times did we leap together and continue to do so? you have been an on going inspiration in my life. life would not be the same without you in it. i am so very, very proud of you.

"In case you have not heard, I'm currently training for the Los Angeles Marathon on March 4, 2007. Although I don't consider myself a runner, I've had a personal goal of completing a marathon. When I heard that i could run and raise money to support the AIDS Project Los Angeles, I decided to give it a shot. I have been training since September 9, 2006 with the National AIDS Marathon Training Program. I can hardly believe it, but last weekend we completed our 20 mile run. I have committed myself to raise $1,500 dollars, to try and be a part of the solution to this devastating epidemic."

i have never done anything like this before on this site. I know that many of you have never met me nor do you know danny personally, but for those of you that read, that come to laugh and cry over the stories that are told here or for those of you that just like to gaze at the purdy pictures, maybe you will find it in your heart to help danny make his goal:

with love from my heart, thank you.

davey,

over and out.

Posted by dave burke at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

eww eww the glue.

no wait dave, it's 'coo coo ka-choo'

happy 2007. the first post.

i feel like 'jack sparrow' now. glances around. eyes wide!

*yuck*

winter break is over. back to work tomorrow. where did the time go? as usual, i wasted it all away. on good times of course but never on my list of 'to do' items:

i never got to the dry cleaners.
i never got my jeep to the car wash.
i never got to abercrombie and fitch to return some bad memories, i mean gifts.
bites my tongue again on that issue.
i never got to costco for supplies.
i never got to my old neighbors house.
i never watched the first season of melrose place.
i never placed a much needed phone call.
i never took my niece ice skating like i promised.
i never took down the christmas trees (yes, plural), cards, wreaths.
i want to still cherish a beautiful, magical christmas.
i never got to san diego to visit a hunky new 'friend'.
i never made an appointment for new eye glasses and check-up.

i never. the list goes on. i wonder if i can accomplish all of the above today? i doubt it, i didn't wake up until 11:30am.

every year this happens, for the past 17 years that is. winter break. i spin into a hole of irresponsibility to where i just do what i please. no worries. no cares. hell, most days i didn't even know what day of the week it was. you know what? it's a fucking great feeling but then,

it comes to a crashing end. back to the real world. back to responsibility. reality check. cha-ching cha-ching.

*yuck*

Posted by dave burke at 11:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

where do i start and how do i end it?

because of my mothers death, while the family jetted to wyoming, i celebrated it alone. i wanted and needed to be alone last year.

this year the house was full with people, food and love. gifts. i gave of myself like i have not, ever. i took so many pictures, but being the lazy ass i am, i doubt i will post them. there again, who knows with me any longer.

it was to be the most special christmas and birthday ever. it seems, with me anyways, with all the beauty and love comes also the flip side. disaster. why? i am still asking myself, why? in all honesty, i know the reason why. i am not going to go into it here, for now anyways. a story to be saved for another useless day.

i have to thank my dad. my sister leslie ann. my niece courtney (to see that childs eyes light up). my cousin liz and her slurry words. my best friend fred. peter, peter gawd thank you. (known as ex-husband #1 here). to danny (known as ex-husband #2 here), thanks for all your drunk dialing from costa rica, trying to make me jealous. to getting to watch 'lost in america', and laughing so fucking hard. to mark. to zach, thank you for finally saying something after so many months. my friend kelly, thank you. you are truly crazy. thank you robert for a beautiful cd. the list goes on and on and i am bored of writing it out.... i am starting to sound silly too. thank you to everyone for making this a great holiday season.

the best gifts? opening the 'U2 by U2' book from my father and he asking me, "who are those old guys, the ones with all the wrinkles?" pricless dad, you have the wrong group. those are the rolling stones. my sister, buying me the same irish rugby t-shirt that ulises had bought me in september. now i have two. oh yes, ulises. what to say or better yet, what should not be said?

*

i went for a long walk tonight in some baggy shorts and my new A&F dark blue hoodie. the damn thing is so warm and comfortable and expensive and with that i reflected on this almost past year:

i have decided to stay home this new years eve. i don't wish to 'party', i don't wish to dance and i don't wish to look stupid. after having a black-out, not remembering most of the evening and falling into a gutter from a relatives car last year, i thought i would just stay home this year. turn the heat on and curl up onto the couch and watch other people having fun and their alcohol induced black-outs. be safe and watch out for those gutters. they hurt, well the next morning you will find that out.

compared to 2005, 2006 was a great year. i would list and link but i am too lazy. why should i help 'you' out? 'you' can just go and read through all of the months. of course, i really would not bother. boring crap you know.

there are some entries on life that do stand out. my first Coachella experience. an experience i will never forget and i hope to do again next year. shit, it's almost next year. there were 10 days in september that rocked my world and i hope they rocked his world as well. spending 7 days in wyoming with my dad, hitting some antelope, being there for my grandmothers birthday, a few months before she would pass away. peter and chris's visit.

oh well, and with that bring on 2007 and all the new life adventures.

happy new year.

over and out, love

davey

Posted by dave burke at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

yes i know, but i do.

"davey, let's get married. please marry me, give me a second chance? please?"

he has been trying to get a hold of me for the past few days. i did not hear any alarm in his voice nor urgency to call him back right away. i did call him back this morning though.

"why did it take you so long to call me back? i have been trying to reach you at work and at home."

yes i know. how are doing kiddo? i asked.

"davey, let's get married. please marry me, give me a second chance? please?" and my mind and heart started to race, race indeed it did this morning. "davey, i will be at the mineshaft tonight, please come down and see me. do you remember when we first met there in '91? i will never forget your goofy watch and the hours we talked there"

i still have that watch and when i bring it out it always, always reminds me of you and that night that we first met. i have written about you many times here and i have even put up a picture or two of us together, years after the fact, just as friends. a friendship which took some years to unfold.

i know you will never, ever read this. hell, everytime you have trouble with your laptop you are calling me to help you. if you do stumble upon it one day, i am not bashing you in any way. you remain close to my heart and always will no matter what had happened. we are friends, but you just don't remember.

it all and all it was. enough. this is way to personal and the truth does suck at times, you know? you must have told me a dozen times this morning on the phone to 'shut up'. there again, i admire my friends and family when they do tell me to shut up.

*

drugs. you introduced me to a world i had never experienced before. my mother used to ask me, "how do you boys stay up all night and dance until the next day?". um, coffee mom? my mother would just laugh.

drugs. got the best of you and me. it was fun? like an ice skater on concrete? when i see people using 'the shit', i tell them to not do so, how can i not? there again people will do what they want to anyways. i have walked in your shoes but you don't understand the shoes that you will be wearing and i have worn them. out. in the past.

the past. it saddens me deeply. we both have come a long ways. you want a second chance?

**

do you remember the day i threw your drugs unto the carpet? do you remember me taking you to the emergency room, glass and blood all over the bedroom? do you remember when you dislocated my jaw and broke three ribs of mine? do you remember being naked on the lawn, while the swat team was called? do you remember being arrested and put in jail? do you remember when you told me you had not hiv, but full blown aids? do you remember being bailed out? do you remember when my niece was born, and you held her? do you remember the beautiful townhouse we were going to buy?

***

there was so much blood that day. it was flowing out of your wrist. it spattered upon the hardwood floor, the walls and ceiling. so much blood it splattered upon me. oh the blood. fuck. you know? and the glass and how i cleaned it all up. the blood. before you came back home. the shards of glass sticking out from your wrists.

****

the blood that day. it still stickes with me. your blood is mine, and so it goes and it will always be. please forgive me for writing this out.

we will always be friends. always.

you did get a second or third chance in life and i am so proud of you. you have done good. i will always be here for you. no matter what.

*****

fuck, i cried while i wrote that out. seven years. the past.

******

on a happier note, i am exhausted. this holiday shit is wearing me out AND i really hate my friends right now. the closer you try to get, the further i will push you back. back, back unto the fly trap you go. ALL of you. stick-stick in the goo and i LOVE you to.

over and out, your beloved davey. HAH.

i miss you mom.

Posted by dave burke at 07:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

i remember when and who i was with when i first heard this song. it was played for
me intentionally.

another person would buy it as a gift, the CD for me. OK COMPUTER. it was purchased for me intentionally.

i wrote a post about it once or twice. after i wrote what i had written, he said
"you want me to choke?" wake up from your sleep. i think you finally have?
the intentions mean what exactly? though life moves on, the intentions and the end
result have, and always will live with me. to this day they do like beach sand in mayo
and chesse.

*

"you should take that cap off and burn it" as i was travelling down an isle at stater brothers, the grocery store. i looked at himself and his 'whore', i said "sure thing" while i muttered under by breath, "losers, fuck you". it's just a damn football game, okay?

"can you please find the apple i dropped, sir?" this very, very elderly lady said to me. her hair was perfect cotton and white and her eyes, her eyes were deep and brown and alive. i was drawn in and i found her apple for her that had fallen. i handed it to her and she hugged me so hard. so hard. just one apple. JUST ONE APPLE. it made someones day!

she was so greatful. i can't stop thinking about her.

nor the man at the twin towers who always asks me for money. i have yet to give him any because i would like to know his story. how does one lose an apple or become homeless? there is a story there. for that i am sure.

as the apple had fallen to become lost, as the homeless man had fallen to become lost.

find that lost apple if you can?

**

i can't seem to stay away from this addiction, my site. my site as i call it, all about humble me and my humble little life. i get afraid if if i don't write, i will forget. there again, i don't feel it's healthy to write at the site everyday. i mean, why? what's the point really?

the place is about ready and the christmas shopping is done. two weeks from this friday and the fun starts once again. once again another adventure between two special friends and also a week of family, friends and just plain old good times. i live for times like this, i really do and my excitment level ramps up a notch each and every day. also in the back of my mind is the number 48. it stands there as a grand monolith, to time i guess? my time on this stinking planet. i am in awe of all of the years and memories. 48? i can't believe it. almost there, 48. so close i can now touch it. i will be getting though the best birthday present i can ever remember. a special, beautiful friend to spend it with.

and here i said i was not going to write here for awhile. 'davey', you really need to get a life. *sheesh*

Posted by dave burke at 04:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

has um, started?

i suppose it has. it all started with thanksgiving, lobster and such at the black angus. then the naples rib company with a best friend and 'cleopatra jones' (shelly winters at her finest?) . it ended up with a whirl wind trip to the mall, with my sister. it's a well known fact that i hate going to 'the mall'. macy's, abercrombie and fitch, the gap, bananna republic, wilsons house of suede and leather, nordstroms and of course victoria secret looking for bras, not for me of course. i still smell like 'the mall'. i don't know how many perfumes and colognes were sprayed upon me. my sis and i were armed and ready though, trust me, we are power shoppers. i love shopping with my sister, we don't do it that often and for good reasons. we are impulse buyers. we both bought our own gifts for ourselves for christmas, though at abercrombie i could not resist a couple of items for someone very special to me while i had to listen to someone that brilliantly figured out i work for USC.

yes, the madness has begun. i have even purchased my christmas turkey, the sweet thing is sleeping in the freezer as i write this. i have named him bob, bob the turkey and boy you are going to bob-on-this and taste so great. i am still hesitant about stuffing a cavity with my hands, but there again i have stuffed many things in my life, hands included. why should this be any different?

*

to my family, that has spoiled me to death and who put up with me. to my best friends in life and who i love so very much, and who also put up with me. to those that read this bullshit and don't know me but put up with me; happy holidays and trust me, a beautiful new year. and with that i will catch each of you all next year. with new stories and purdy pictures. i am sure. one can count on it.

*hugs and love*

davey.

over and out.

Posted by dave burke at 09:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

and land it did, this past weekend.

it had to have been one of the most bizarre weekends i have had in recent memory. i think, well just about, everyone i know on this planet must have called me. i would put the phone down and it would ring again. twice over the weekend the battery went dead and had to be re-charged. i feel as if i had spent the entire weekend on the phone. a friend asked me why i was not out laying by the pool on sunday. i really should have but i had too many errands to run and phone calls to answer.

the holidays are quickly approaching. too quickly. i have so much to do in so little time. on top of that, i have company coming as well for the holidays and looks like some cousins might be over for christmas day as well. i truly am looking forward to it all this year: the holidays, friends, family and my company that will be arriving. my sister and i are getting together this week to plan out what we are going to make for christmas day dinner. this should be interesting, me cooking? i think i need to take a refresher course in turkey 101, ai carumba!!

Posted by dave burke at 09:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

sgt. mock

to listen to him speak and to watch him is chilling, haunting. the intensity of his eyes is compelling, daunting.

"somebody has to do it"

*

i admire the men who have put their lives up for sale in the lottery, called war. i admire the women who have done the same, though they can not be in combat.

which reminds me,

my grandmother, grandmother smith, my mothers mother was a nurse. she was a navy RN. her husband sheldon, my grandfather, was in the navy as well. my grandmother used to tell me stories about WWII and how she was assigned to this ship or that ship, or this island or that island. the big fight aganist the japanese, the pacific. she was always so proud of what she did, helped and accomplished.

on the island of guam, that is where margaret met sheldon and gave birth to my mother beverly, in august of 1927.

which reminds me still,

after i graduated from college, grandma smith wanted me to go into the service. the navy. i of course wanted to go into the airforce. my cousin robin had just joined the navy and he was stationed for a time, down in san diego. i passed and completed all of the tests for both services, only the airforce was not 'hiring' at the time. check back in 6-months. the navy, they were hiring and i had a job. my grandma smith was so proud.

shortly there after i moved out of the nest and moved to long beach. i declined the job with the navy. the airforce recruiter though called, and called and called and after 6-months, they were hiring, and i had a job as a fighter pilot trainee. it was exactly what i had wanted, but my life changed directions. i had a partner, my grandmother had died.

i wonder sometimes. i do. if i had gone in that direction.... it makes me think and what i would be doing today.

**

to the two of you in IRAQ. everyday i/we think of you. how can i/we not? you are doing your job. you will give your life though, or could.

no matter what, i am proud of all of you. you are all so supported.

***

over and out.

i love you,

davey

Posted by dave burke at 06:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

dear diary:

has it really been over a month since i had last visited this site? to write?
it would appear so. it has. not sure where the month has gone though. it
passed by so quickly in a hazey-davey beer glaze. nothing much eventful
happened. i suppose that is a good thing. my latest goal in life? to kill 10 droids.
yes, i have slipped down into the gutter and entered ps-2-hell. yes, the bottomless
void has been re-visited.

*

"dave, i have to say, i have never, ever, met a person like you before in my life."

well kiddo, i will take that as a compliment. trust me, you now realize the truth. i am intense and very complex. yet, so soft spoken and laid back. but, always loving and caring though with this huge, giving heart. yes, you have entered the 'land of dave' and have so far, survived and have been very supportive. i can't wait to spend the holidays with you. we will have so much fun.

but.

yes, there is a large and looming but.

"dave, do you think you will be able to handle it? you know, the end dave?"

this will be the 4th time that i have gone through this. when it comes to an end it is always sad. i will also probably crash and burn for a bit. in the end though, each of us will be okay. including myself.

"dave, what are we going to do about this? what can we do about all of this dave?"

kiddo, i don't know. i truly don't know what will happen or what we can do about it all. i still believe in, that there is a reason as to why. in time, in the future, it will indeed reveal itself. it has to. what i do know is that the love and the happiness to it all, negates the sadness and pain associated with it at times. in my book, that is a beautiful thing.

**

what a difference a year makes. i shunned the holidays and my family last year. after the loss of my mother, i could not deal with the holidays. we did not celebrate thanksgiving and during christmas, my family went back to wyoming. they begged me to go along and even purchased my airline ticket for me. (i would eventually use that ticket this past may, to visit my grandmother for the last time.) i fear that may also be the last time that i go back 'home'. i am so glad though that i went back home in may. i will never, ever forget as my father and i boarded the plane from the tarmac. my grandmother, sitting in her wheelchair, confined to it by oxygen tanks. her beautiful smile seen by us through the window, and her feeble hand waving good bye. as i waved back, she mouthed the words "i love you david", and with that i boarded the plane. knowing in my heart that that was it. her final goodbye and my final goodbye. as i sat down next to my father in the plane, we just looked at each other, no words were necessary. i left at peace and with a solid heart that morning.

she was the matriarch, the glue that has kept this huge family together after the passing of my grandfather some years ago. i can not speak for all of my cousins, uncles and aunts but there are some of us that realize the glue is missing and that we all need to do our best, to all keep in touch. we all took that for granted when grandmother was alive.

my sister said to me the other day: "dave, i am so tired of death." it has been a very, trying year or so where death is concerned. life goes on though for the living and the living do have their memories of those that have gone before us. they live in your heart and in your mind. you have things, items that belonged to them. to treasure.

and with that said,

i can not wait for the holidays. i have already started my christmas shopping and i have even done a bit of decorating. we will be having christmas here at the apartment this year, my small immediate family and a very special friend. i am even going to cook, turkey and trimmings and all. i am going to try to recreate my mothers christmas dinner. (which is going to be very interesting. i have not done a turkey dinner since the 80's when i lived in long beach. my mother always did it pretty much every year.)

what a difference a years makes. i am so ready for it all. bring on the holidays!! my honesty suprises, even me.

***

over and out. davey.

Posted by dave burke at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)