fathers day was fun, he was wearing a 'harley black t-shirt'. i just looked at my sister, gave her my look. i had to sit there with bad food and models in leather and g-strings and chaps? my sister just gave me the look back and my niece said, "i think this is not a restaurant for me."
oh well, it was great times though.
everyday i think about you. every fucking day. my eyes so well up. but it is okay. your loss, not mine
your words or lack of them sent me to a shrink. you asked for my forgiveness and i gave it to you but the pain is still with me. i will never forget you.
i just smile, all i can do. IT'S a hard thing to explain.
but i open now for business
it's really not quite unlike the twilight zone, now is it?
how long has it been? been awhile. the death of my other dog, put me over the limit.
i am tired of death. have had enough of it.
too many in the last few years that have died.
not just pets, but family and best friends.
i walked out and blew my doctor off today.
people fucking with my mind, people fucking with love, people fucking with the truth?
it all comes around baby. does it not. it's all about friendship, is it not?
that is where my love blooms and also dying like a red rose in bloom.
i took the leaves and walked away, scattered them in a gutter. a driven gutter drain with snot and crap.
on it? i think not.
my heart goes out to so many people: family and friends. i might write again one day and show some pretty pictures. my words have moved so many people. i thank you, and my family. i love you all so much. i will
write again and i am sure it will not be pretty LOL
with that, i wish you all the best in life.
davey, over and out.
man's best friend or should i say, my best friend.
we had a good run at it punky. you never left my side for 14 years. other then to ride a roller coaster, i can't think of anything we did not do together; from the beach to the mountains to camping. the park or just running over to get your favorite, a burger king double whopper. no tomato thank you very much! just like dad, me!
you are so missed and were also so loved by so many people and also by your beloved L. (elvis, your long time companion who passed on in 2005) you passed away in your sleep, peacefully. i hope you are in doggy heaven now.
i will miss you so much and i will never forget you baby girl. thank you for everything and all your unconditional love.
davey.
detox:
i stumbled and fell, crashed my head and the blood did flow. he picked me up and dragged me.
intervention:
i was tricked. into it all.
good thing:
i guess so. i lost it. it happens to people. nothing to be ashamed about.
pain:
get your ass home little bit. i love you. my promise has been kept. i don't want you to die.
*
this morning i got the call i have been waiting for, for so long now. "baby, guess what? i am in kuwait now and i am out of the war zone."
my prayers have been answered.
on the other. punky. i called danny tonight. your are with EL.
the apartment feels so empty now. the last of the revelers has parted and on their way for the day. the love remains though and will always stay.
john asked me this morning, "why do you look so sad and melancholy?"
i said, because i don't have anything to bitch about. if i am not bitching, i am not happy. or so it seems.
i have many pictures and thoughts, words of the last few months. i have neglected my 'dear diary' and have chosen to live my life not here, but in the real world. plus, it gets really boring after awhile reading about a tortured soul. even for myself. tortured i am, dealing with it i am. it makes for great writing though, even i have to admit.
*
the silence beckons my call. it comes in my sleep and in my dreams. my shrink says to just clap my hands, "and to let it all go." simple as that. LET IT ALL GO. it's hard to let it all go, the pain. she understands, my family understands and my close friends understand. i am doing my best to understand. to understand myself. i am doing my best to let it all go.
and yes, i have clapped my hands. more then once and with that i start a new year.
it's christmas. every time i speak to you, my life sounds so, um.
i just want you to come home. can i say it enough? probably not.
this one is for you. be safe and keep out of harms way.
iraq is not where you wanted to be, a doctor and all. there you are though. such is life
and how it all goes.
i love you and just wish you were home. all i have to say.
merry christmas to everyone. see you all next year.
davey
the boy got an A+ on his term paper. i actually wrote it out for him. he wants to be a dentist. what ever. i could care less. to be honest. i do care, though, i used to change his diapers. now i change his words.
"blow into this tube" the nurse said. her name is kathy. "i have to take your car keys away, you will not drive out of here", she said. i called 3 people, they all showed up. the last 3 years, been tough. it has broken my soul, to the core.
mom, are you there? dammit please. i have been broken. like a face on cement. the blood has spattered. i beg of you mom, please? fuck please?
the tears cascade down upon my cheeks like blood on snow. snow that melts, but the blood always remains. stained on myself for life. stained on my heart.
mom please.
davey
october and november have both been quite the months. i don't even know where to start with it all. some good, some bad but that is life. you know?
when i can absorb it all in and formulate it all with words, pictures and videos. i will. i have not quite been able to put it all into words yet. maybe i am afraid to?
now comes one of my favorite months of the year, if not my favorite, december. bring on the cold. bring on the holidays. bring on the happiness and joy of it all. i of course will try to forget that i turn 49 this month. i will try and forget, but i doubt that i can. one thing is for certain, i will dwell upon that number big time. it's just a number though and numbers rarely mean much unless one hits the lottery with them.
such is life and so the saga continues:
you saved my life three weekends ago.
you called me this evening and we talked. i told you yes weeks ago, but in my gut i am not sure what to do. you say you love me and that i am the love of your life. i love you too, very much so.
what the fuck am i supposed to do? dammit janet, what am i supposed to do? i love you too with all of my heart.
davey
Almost 1 million people forced from homes.
the smoke in the sky, the ashes falling down like gentle snow flakes, the redness of the sun on my face and on the pavement is so surreal in a way. the devestation is very difficult to comprehend. yesterday and today is not unlike a partial solar eclipse of the sun. there is that much smoke and ash in the sky. red sky in the eye. oh my.
oh yes, oh my. i wish i owned a car wash.
when i fainted and collapsed last weekend at 'the park', you picked me up and carried me to a bench and called 911. i owe you my life. i do. you have been having a hard time dealing with this. i don't blame you for feeling that.
you are so mad at me.
i am so sorry i didn't tell you, i was going to though. please look at it this way: myself, my family who loves you and my friends said it would of happened at that moment anyways. i was blessed that it happened with you. i could have been in the pool, driving or shopping alone. i could have died.
you can not deal with fate and that you had saved my life. what goes around comes around. karma? karma makes me smile and why i am still here. i am so sorry i am so fucking sick. it's not my fault, it's just something i have to deal with and i hope you can too.
please forgive me. please?
we go back till 1991. long time mi amigo. we even lived together for 5 years and dated on an off since that time.
you are a moody, stubborn fuck. talking to you tonight just brought back horrible memories. i have to spend the day with you tomorrow. all ready telling me the rules what we can ride and not ride. i hate rules of any kind.
you want a second chance, but nothing has changed and it will never work. i will write about it all and take some pretty pictures of us. daniel i love you. i will always love you. you told me so much the last few weeks how much you love me. i understand danny. trust me i do. it can never work.
i never say never and i will give it one last try. from my heart and the love i still have for you.
i thought of you today as i awaited the x-ray from yesterday.
october 6th, a day i will never, ever forget in my life.
i waited for the results. the results were clean, no lung cancer. the liver, well i think there is hope there.
you changed my life that day. to even write about it will just put more fire into your head. you were and always will be so full of yourself. a selfish bastard. i still can't believe how self-centered and selfish you were and are.
*
after i got my results #2 called. you keep saying that you love me and want a second chance. i know you too well, but i have left that door of options open.
love. it is so hard. to the person that broke my heart almost 3 years ago, i have nothing but love for you. do you remember asking me for my forgiveness? i gave it to you. i understood and i told you so. please stop with the yearly christmas presents and you can't even return a damn phone call.
**
i fell into my jeep yesterday at the hospital. i called my sister. i could not stop crying after seeing my new mother, my doctor. bless her heart and i told her that. both my doctor and my sister.
love, never forgets now does it?
does love ever forget in the heart?
no it does not.
***
love. do not take it for granted. please?
"He elicited laughter and boos from the audience at Columbia University when he said, "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country."
is that because you have hanged them all Mahmoud? *scratches head* why would you outlaw homosexuality in your country of Iran if you don't have any homosexuals there? *scratches head*
"If the Holocaust is a reality of our time, a history that occurred, why is there not sufficient research that can approach the topic from different perspectives?" he asked.
oh really?
"When pressed about the harsh treatment of women, homosexuals and academics who challenge Iran's government, Ahmadinejad painted a rosy picture, saying, "Women in Iran enjoy the highest levels of freedom," he said.
last i heard you beat women in the streets if their dresses are too short.
*
you are an insane dictator. an islamic whacko. you know what happens to whacko, islamic dictators don't you?
the text message that was left for me this morning:
did we?
yes we did. you were so drunk off your ass last night when you called me and then i talked to you this morning after you text messaged me. i don't think i have ever, ever heard you so honest as you were last night. the odd thing, i spent over 6 years of my life with you. i don't think i ever really knew you.
honestly, your honesty blew me away last night. you asked me a question and i didn't even have to think about it, i just said yes. this was all sparked by you running into someone i used to know, there again your paths cross quite frequently.
you and i have had quite the past together. it's a period of my life i wish to forget just as you wish to. you asked me for a second chance and i said yes, last night. you still have the matching towel, the one that says your name on it that my mother bought us. i threw mine away though.
a second chance. i was not expecting what i heard last night. there again, this is life and one must expect the unexpected.
i love you too. always have and always will. i said yes. the ball is now in your court as you said to me this morning. please, no curve balls though. i have had enough thrown at me these past few years.
*
davey,
over and out.
it's the 6th anniversary of the first and only attack on american soil. an act of war which brought this country into two wars. no offense to all of the pearl harbor survivors, but that attack was not on american soil. hawaii was not a state at that time.
the world seemed to stop 6 years ago. each of us remember where we were and what we saw that morning. the feelings and emotions. the utter shock. i think people seem to forget why we are at war. they forget the thousands of americans that perished that morning in the name of what, ISLAM and terrorism. simple religious ideology and in their sick minds they wish to convert the world including the united states. that will never, ever happen and this modern day hitler named osama bin laden is nothing short of a madman. you will never, ever win and to be honest i can't wait until the day you hang by your neck.
i will also never forget that day peter and i were out on the observation area of the WTC. the sheer magnitude of the height made it all more chilling that morning of 9/11, watching people jump to their deaths. watching people choking in busted out windows to only see the towers collapse in a pile of broken ruins and bodies.
to lose 10 more pounds and to get my blood pressure around 100. i swear to god, i have a new mother. she is going to kill me.
i am not fat or over weight. i am just big with some muscles. two weeks from this thursday, to complete challenge #2. every time i walk in there, it gives me the creeps. on the scale, or strapped to a blood pressure machine. probed and prodded, every where. i wish sex were that good. maybe more sex is the clue to lose the weight?
i have to say, my new mother knows much more than i do and what she has told me works. i will lose the other 10 lbs in two weeks. then i will just fall between the cracks i suppose and die. i have to admit doctor, i have not felt or looked as good as i have these past couple of months under your care.
*
i wrote someone over the labor day weekend. then i was foolish enough to bring up the past, a past he does not wish to hear or admit to. i guess he can not deal with it or accept what he did. he told me he never wants me to contact him again, ever. don't ever, ever tell me never and so i contacted you back. you have changed so much, you are not the dear best friend i have had for so many years. it breaks my heart but we know about tears, do we not? we have shed so many tears together. there is one moment that will always stand out in my heart. it was about a year ago when i got the call and you were in bed. you held me and licked the tears off of my face, the news of my grandmothers death.
the door to my heart is always open. with that i say goodbye my dear friend.
i, like everyone else on the planet gets so much of it. i don't get the concept of it all. to me it would be a huge waste of time. in the daily trojan, at USC, they recently wrote that the university gets over 50 million spam emails per month. at first i thought that was absurd but then i did the math. it does add up.
i tried an experiment over the weekend. i actually answered a spammer. you know the one, where someone wants to give you a zillion dollars for your bank account information. what blew me away is that they actually wrote me back with a form to fill out. using the same email address that they had sent it from.
please kids, i don't have the time to fill out any forms for my zillion dollars.
to this all. been awhile. apartment life.
she had been slugged in her left eye. and asked for my help.
they left their bird to die, their kitten i have fed. the bird and the kitten, where do I let it go?
or can i.
i can't. let it go. the screams of a women, a person. the meows of a kitten who needed to be fed. the bird that was just let go, freed from her cage but in a disastrous way. strangled and dead.
*
verbal, no less physical abuse is, is not a pretty site. black and blue eyes with a greenish tint. beat up very hard but yet so tight. she tried to tell me but i did not pry even after seeing the obvious, hearing it.
**
abuse, i have seen and heard it first hand. so have my neighbors, but we do nothing. they have all come to me, to be the saviour and to resolve the situation. i will try my best to.
***
i must have had over 25 people ask me yesterday if i were going out. to be honest, i lost count after 25. i know the 'event' that went on last night, but it happens every month. i am not missing out on anything. plus, it all gets too weird for me. to go.
i have gone, but there are many reasons as to why i don't go. it's my fault though, having this site and also being on other sites. to have people come up to you, to think they know you, is so disturbing: "hi davey, i know you" no, you don't even know me. you see pictures here and there and you read some words. you wish to shake my hand, hug me or get down my pants.
i guess i should be flattered. i find it disturbing though.
those that are so close to me do not read this site. they have their reasons as to why they do not. they are not bad reasons, they just find it strange to read. what i write about. over the past seven years i have gotten myself into a lot of trouble with my writing. i have even had my life threatend so many times. it kind of gets old after awhile.
i guess i should be flattered.
i still find it disturbing though.
davey,
over and out.
the car died, the battery and the radiator. we pushed that car while the green goo spilled forth. pete and victor thought it was a good time to smoke a joint while i jumped the clutch, hot, mad and upset. i just wanted to call my mom and dad to save me from that madness. we had david bowie playing. ziggy stardust. it all become one blur of a very hot day. joints and beer, an endless supply. for good measure, there was plenty of coke to snort.
we did push that car. the three of us. stoned. it was the US festival you know, the second one and as we walked in U2 were playing. i was so stoned out my mind. i was a constant bitch about shit and that car. i sat down on the grass on that hill and quietly listened. listen i did while i prayed.
pray i did. stuck in the middle of nowhere which today is stuck in the middle of somewhere. the last bus to arrive at that dusty parking lot, after david bowie got off, stage that is. lucky for us, there were some mexicans with jumper cables and water. thank you mexicans. you got us home safe and sound. god works in mysterious ways, or maybe god was a mexican that late night.
i swore i would never do that shit again, but there came coachella. oh my. need i say more? at least the roads are paved, still a dusty, dirty lot though. we had a great car. times have changed, no drugs. just beer, water and pizza.
*
the roads are always sticky and wet. sometimes you slip. not your fault, you just slip. it's life. one slides. up and down:
*
the blood pressure has fallen from 165 in april to 114, checked this past week. i was given many ultimatums by my doctor. i hate ultimatums. i am used to giving them. i could not ignore her though and she has taken me under her wing. to think i went in, in april, just for new glasses. i am really glad that i did.
i have always taken my health for granted. it would seem that all of these years to retain an image have hurt me severally, health wise. the hard work outs, the eating to remain a frame of 250 lbs of muscle and fur. if anything, i did reach that goal. now i have a new goal. my doctor wants me down to 170-180 lbs from the 200 lbs i am at now.
my eyes got huge, "but doctor you don't understand all of those years of abuse and hard work!!". she looked at me and said, "there is the alternative and i don't think you would like it very much david".
so to make my pretty doctor happy. i mean we are almost married, she has had her fingers up my ass. isn't that a sign of marriage? i have done everything she continues to tell me to do. she was impressed i dropped down from 210 to 200 lbs in three weeks. she was impressed i lowered my blood pressure by sticking to around 2 grams of salt per day. (let's be honest here i am on blood pressure medication now, but she said the major drop was also due to the change in my eating and drinking habits) she was impressed i had not had any beer, god knows i love beer!! not a one. she said to drink red wine. i was like, okay i like red wine. she was impressed i had not had any hard liquor. (okay, i lied on that one. i had to have some caddy-margs while having a low sodium mexican plate of food)
there again i don't think myram reads this website. i hope not anyways, sorry about the caddy margs doctor.
**
push and shove. i have both pushed and shoved. i have been both pushed and shoved. the odd thing, i have not weighed 170 or so since i was in high school. once i discovered weights i have always been a big man. those days are over i guess. i can still be big but within reason, a different type of big. i guess my goal is a swimmers build now.
anyone have a pool?
that was the last time that i would see you, outside of a hospital. you would die just a few months later.
i still cry.
there is no bond on this planet like that between a mother and her son. you taught me so much and i miss being able to speak to you. even as you were dying, you held me and told me that everything was going to be okay.
i truly wish to believe in that.
god, i wish you could hold me just once again.
i miss you so much.
david, i layed in the shower this morning, bawling. i could not stop crying. the water, the shower, just rushing over and soaking my tears. david? hello?
i did the same. i bawled my ass off in the shower that morning as well. i felt like glen close in the 'big chill'. i did make the trek though and i got lost. my ass was saved big time on that day at a burger king in pasadena. i told everyone that i would get lost. lost i was, terribly and horribly frustrated. of course, i had the typical davey temper tantrum.
*
i patted his mother on her heart, not unlike i do with anyone close to me. i said he will always be alive in our hearts. she burst into sobs and as she hugged me, her warm tears stained upon my shirt. solid and stained with love as the sweat dripped down my face.
the unexpected death of an old, dear friend of so many people has rocked so many peoples life's.
**
***
i loaned out the video tape of a new years eve that i had shot so many, many years ago. i did it out of respect and for those that still wish to remember you. i did not wish to let go of that tape being the selfish person that i am. it is in good hands though and one day it will be returned to me.
****
it is august already. my how the time does fly. it has been one hell of an interesting month, these past 30 days or so. oh well,
i will miss you so very much and yes you did say that the room moves with me. see i got the last word in, bye my friend.
davey,
over and out.
"Dear Family & Friends,
As most of you know Art has not been in the best of health for the past 6 months and I have some sad news to share with you all today and that is of Art's passing earlier this morning due to complications from internal bleeding which they could not get under control.
Needless to say this is a sad moment for us all and especially his long time partner Robbie, Art's mother and family. So as soon as I have more details about the funeral plans I will let you all know. Finally, this is a very sad day for me because I have lost a very dear friend.
Mark
just a few words, okay? i can not, not say anything:
robert, it was an absolute pleasure to have had finally met you yesterday. it was a wonderful afternoon; a great lunch, a bit of starbucks and a little bit of shopping. the afternoon just flew by so quickly.
robert, you are such a beautiful man with a heart of gold and a most beautiful soul. i look forward to meeting your partner alec and to hanging out again.
thank you again for a most wonderful sunday afternoon.
*
it would appear that i have upset and pissed off 3 people, men to be exact about the first part of the below post. i have to say i am very flattered that each of you thought it was about you. in all honesty, it was not about any of you at all. it is about someone though and also about myself. butt skank and the smell on my fingers was meant as a metaphor and the smell of it all a couple of months ago raised the dead. me. i thank that person for doing that. he does not even know i have this site but even if he did i would have still written what i had wrote. this is after all, all about me.
i bare my soul here. this is the nuts and bolts and jolts of my life. my life and mine alone. jay once screamed at me (if you read this i mean this with all love and respect) that i was a pitty party for one. my best friend mark of 25 years told me recently that i look at the glass half-empty. it's true, i do not deny that. i am not going to ever change though, it's just a part of many parts of my personality.
there is something, as i said in the below post, that is missing. i have not found it yet. i still say i need more:
butt skank.
i sniff my fingers, i can smell it.
gag you did. i kind of like that. like when i grabbed your hair and forced you down. you gagged. i can still smell your butt skank though. one should come showered at least? or if the last shit you had taken, please just wipe.
*
yes take a butt swipe. at least. i think you came in my mouth twice. this was just last night. i know i know, i have become a total slut.
why in the fuck do i meet the hottest men and why do you all like me? i can not figure it out.
then they leave. i snore to loud. they all say this. yes, i snore horribly loud. of course it does not wake me up at all just the dead sleeping next to me.
**
i was thinking about you today. i miss you and i miss you too. i do really miss you two so much. it's okay, you have followed your dreams. i made my dreams come true just as the both of you two are doing now. the two of you became such a part of my life but then it was time for the goodbyes. i have never liked goodbyes and i never will. one might ask, "who is, who is these two?" talk to my heart, it has the answer.
"it's been very rough these past few years. very rough."
pixels and well worm strips of black print:
"love, men and sex. vacations. family and friends. deaths. changes at work. my own newly found health issues. the world and where it is all headed, what it has become and what it will be."
***
i really thought this 1,500 dollar a month apartment was just going to be my sojourn for awhile but it has become my solace. it is where i hide from the madness of this stinking planet at times. things did not work out like i had thought exactly and i never thought i would be in an apartment like this either. go figure.
a best friend said to me the other day "i always look at the glass half full but david you always look at it half empty."
he is right and why i do this i have not a clue. i have had great success, i have everything beautiful i have ever wanted. great family and friends too but i still feel like something is missing.
****
maybe i just need more butt skank on my fingers?
*****
over and out,
and as always your,
davey.
[davey, it's homage to my mother who i miss every fucking day. everyday. a catholic girl gone wild who got knocked up with me. not really though, she married a man named jim who fell in love with her when she was cage dancing on the sunset strip one night and they had me. their marriage did not last long though.
mom stopped dancing and went on to secretary school. she worked two jobs, one for the may company and one for cedars, the hospital. the doctor had the hots for my mom, they had an affair. he blew his brains out in the office one day while my mother sat outside. not long after that a man named les was putting in a new phone system at the hospital. they fell in love. hence, my new dad and to be a new sister.
mom went on to help those that could not be helped and worked for a rest home for over 25 years. her funeral was amazing and those that came to express their love for her. including my friends and ex-partners.
i was raised by my mother, grandmother (my mothers mother) and my aunt stella and her husband uncle barry (my mothers brother), when i was young before dad #2.
my mom gave me my first ciggie at 5yrs old. she was the first one that took me to my first beach around the same age and she also took me on my first coaster, the matterhorn at disneyland. she took me to my first concert, ray charles at the shrine auditorium. she never stopped showing me and teaching me. i still can not forget when in college she wanted to smoke a joint with me. remember the time you took me to TJ? then you had to deal with your only son being gay. you dealt with it pretty well and i have to say that your love and support of myself and my partners to come, that is something i can never forget.
thank you for a great life and all that you have taught me. you raised a great son.]
one day the canoe flipped. you fell out and you went into cardiac arrest. i grabbed you and swam you to the shore. to this day you still thank me for saving your life. i didn't save your life, i just did what anyone would do. to this day you still thank me. i still think about it though. *shrugs*
one day the car crashed. it was horrific. metal meets metal, skin to skin. face to glass. my friend brad revived me, mouth to mouth. he saved my life. i was a bloody broken down mess. you did save my life brad. i still thank you until this day. i still think about it though. *shrugs*
anyways it's time to switch the wash.
now maybe 'you' will understand why i don't like driving that much, to this day.
thank you dad. if not for you, i would not have made it this far in life. all those times i wanted to give up you just shut me down and told me to move on or go with the flow. you were right, you know?
i love you so much dad. i can't imagine my life without you in it.
so, suckle upon this you worthless one. suckle while you dill-pickle yourself around the sage-stage of brush. NAKED. up up up, dare you go. UP? why not, ya got's nothing to lose. now do you? nothing but your life and your dignity. correcto-mundo? all mumbo-jumbo, i know. when the tree does shatter in the woods, yes one can hear it crash and when it does it will explode your bust-a-matic royal flush. are you red now in the face of the glowing aces? i thought knot. yes knot. knot away on your bridge of play.
so be it. i have not done this in ages.
okay, let the horse and pony show begin:
it was almost 4 years ago that they moved us off of campus. we moved to a skyscraper in downtown los angeles, bunker hill to be exact. it was an amazing experience that not even a virtual tour can do justice to. bunker hill has changed a lot since when i was a child growing up in hollywood. the area is rich in history as the above links will explain. though it was moved one block over during the construction of the bunker hill of today, just to see the angel's flight on a daily basis brought back so many memories. a young boy traveling up it with his mother to go shopping, to sitting amongst the beautiful parks, to admiring the old victorian homes. of course, that all has long past changed.
we are all boxed up once again and we will be moved, back to the USC campus. working in downtown los angeles opened up my eyes to a whole new, vibrant and exciting way of life. i will miss it dearly. one door slams shut but another door opens.
such is life and with that some parting pictures:
*
davey,
over and out.
**
on a side note that i wish to remember: art, i will never forget the good times we have had here and there over the course of over 20 years. the sudden passing of you today stunned not only myself but most importantly those that have been so very close to you and also your very special partner. you will never be forgotten. rest in peace and god bless your soul sweet man. thank you for everything through the years. you will be missed by so many.
still with the living:
i have re-worked this post now 4 times over the weekend. this is my 4th attempt. publish, unpublish. what to really say and to not say? it has troubled me horribly.
i do not know what to say. those that are close to me or care, know the truth.
i will leave it at that for now.
over and out,
davey.
happy mothers day momma:
where ever you are at.
grandma, same for you:
*
i did not even cry today. i was ashamed of myself. i was making jokes. jokes not to hide the pain, just jokes. i have no tears left for you. for either of you. i do miss you so very much, both of you. you raised me, best as you could. it's been hard mom, very difficult for all parties involved.
i do love you. i do miss you. thank you for the great life you have given me. i think i have put the past to rest finally and i have moved on.
happy mothers day,
your devoted,
davey.
everything always comes to an end. it is
the memories are not though. they are kept under keep and well in tuck. fuck, the memories of a lifetime for so many family members. as i said, nothing stays the same, not life not even hair or looks:
one door closes, another one opens. i put my faith in 'gawd'. still waiting for my hair to grow back though?
*
"Didn't you see me catch your tears?" he said.
"Didn't you see me catch your tears?" he said once again.
with that i awoke. pillow soaked in sweat.
you had just put elvis outside, ready to leave and for life. your bags were packed. face drawn and content. everything was spent. away you went, you didn't even vent. you just left.
the dream was all to real, i did though wake with a smile.
you always catch my tears even if just in my dreams. i thank you for that. if nothing else.
gone. it's the last time, even for you.
i feel like a damn pin cushion. it's not even over yet. tomorrow some more. oh joy.
my family have been nothing but angels. my father, my sister and my niece. all of you, i really am not going to name you all here. my close friends. nothing short of just angels. what goes around comes around and it has come around big time in my life. the love and the help. thank you so much. karma is a good thing. it is repaid 10 fold, even though no payment was due here. i just feel so lucky and thankful. i feel so blessed.
*
no red meat.
no alcohol.
no sodium (limited).
no smoking.
no dairy products (limited).
no grease, no fat.
no sugar (limited).
more veggies.
more exercise.
more veggies.
more exercise.
more poultry.
more veggies.
more exercise.
more poultry.
**
how did i celebrate the good news? i purchased a package of marlboro reds of course and one V-8 juice, 650 mgs of sodium mind you. enough sodium and nicotine to blast my high blood pressure into a new day.
i have not fully absorbed the reality of it all yet or what i am going to do. i have not grasped the situation or maybe i just don't wish to acknowledge the reality of, the reality.
reality. it sucks.
***
davey,
over and out.
for now.
where am i going with this?
i removed a post the other day. the 2nd time here i have ever done that. it felt too angry.
i am angry though and so very sad. i have to be honest, i like others, have shed so many tears.
there are moments in life one will never forget:
"I remember when my mother was chain smoking and bawling."
like mother like son. do you remember that day? i do. so very well.
"i did not understand why my mother was so upset. crying. smoking."
she had the television on. i was almost 5 years old. hearing my mothers screams. because of that box. the sobbing.
"i could not get her attention for days. so i had a plan."
i stole one of her bobby-pins. my secret weapon of destruction. in my shorts and well hidden.
"if you ever, ever stick something into a socket i am going to spank you."
i got spanked very hard for putting that bobby-pin into the socket. i got my mothers attention. in hind sight, i think i brought her out of her coma at that time.
she was upset over the brutal assassination of a president.
*
i understand my mothers anger and the tears. they would continue through out the years, over tragic events. so do mine.
like mother, like son.
**
born into dramatics, that be me. what can i say. you know? can't hide the truth now can we. as i face monday morning and the truth about it all.
i know too many damn people. too many want to just talk or hangout. i hope i have been an angel to you. you have been one to me.
***
is this like a yearly thing or what? damn phone keeps going off but i can't answer it. guess i have to get a new cell phone. again. maybe i can do without a phone?
April 17, 2007
"TO: the USC Community
Like Americans and people around the world, we at USC are shocked and pained by the terrible events at Virginia Tech University. The killing and wounding of students and professors - the attack on a sister institution - affects us, as well as colleagues at other colleges and universities, in a special way. Whatever sense of dwelling on an oasis of rationality and order we have carried into the 21st century has been severely compromised by the sound of bullets and screams and tears.
Where shall we turn at such a time? To one another, to the leaders of our academic community, and for some of us, to God. Clearly, all of us connected to American higher education need to reaffirm our commitment to reasoned discourse, to building a civil society, and to relating to one another with kindness.
For several years now, the Office of Religious Life has sponsored an Interfaith Memorial Service honoring those who passed away and are being mourned by graduating students, as well as other members of the Trojan Family who died in the past year or years. After deliberation, we have decided to expand that service to include a special memorial to the students and faculty who died at Virginia Tech, and prayers from us for their academic community. President Steven B. Sample will offer a tribute to those whose lives were lost, and will lead us in reflection and in solidarity with Virginia Tech.
The Interfaith Memorial Service will take place on Thursday, April 19, at 5:00 pm in the sanctuary of the United University Church, located at 817 W. 34th Street, just west of the JEP House. There will be short readings, prayers and music; and those present will be invited to light memorial candles.
The names of those who have died will be listed in the program and read aloud during the service. If you would like to add a name or if you have questions, please contact me at 740-6110 or Laemmle@usc.edu, or the senior associate dean of religious life, Reverend Elizabeth Davenport at ejld@usc.edu.
May USC, our loved ones and all of us, our country and all countries, be protected and spared further violence. And may we be strengthened in creating a more peaceful world.
Rabbi Susan Laemmle
Dean of Religious Life"
to give you bones.
it's hard, i know. trust me. when i stare into your eyes. you just want to come home.
home is no more. it has not been and never ever, will be again.
how do you explain this to a dog when you stare into her sad eyes?
there is always the future baby girl:
'old' pictures from two years ago, the last easter i would spend with my two parents
**
i don't remember when she was given the nickname of 'baby girl', but that is what i call her the majority of the time. her real name is pumpkin which morphed into punky shortly after she came into our lives.
the year was 1994, the summer of 1994. i came home from work one day to find ex-husband #2 (danny) blow drying what appeared to be an over sized rat but which in fact turned out to be a puppy. she had just had a flea bath.
***
i have been taking care of 'the big house' for the past week or so while the remnants of my immediate family are in wyoming. the big estate sale comes at the end of the month. house and land, beautiful land, sold to the highest bidder. i pleaded with my father to purchase it all, keep it in the family but his only interest seems to make sure his 'model-t' makes it home. here. i guess we all have our priorities in life? i know dad, it's rough when you lose your mother but sometimes i have to wonder if you are truly thinking straight? it so bothers me dad. i can stare right into your eyes and ask you questions point blank and all i get is a blank reply. vacant eyes looking for that rental sign.
vacant eyes i have seen light up through this past week. my cat mookie rubbing against my whiskers, gently rubbing his paw and claws across my cheek. gently biting my hairy forearms, with love and respect. pleading for me to rub his furry belly and top side. punky, her eyes wide with delight. wagging her tail inside her dog house. sitting, and shaking my hand. following me and never leaving my side. my mom's two poms, jackson and 'baby girl' (yes another baby girl) just looking for attention and love. two beautiful dogs in their own right.
****
punky, i will never forget that day and that moment. 'the dump' was about cleared out. people were outside talking and mingling, some goodbyes said, others helping to transport the last loads. you knew something was going on, i watched you through out the day, through the move. i saw your nervous eyes.
as i carried the last box out of the house you flew beside me and past the screen door and jumped into the jeep, upon your seat. the passenger side seat. it was if you were saying, "you are not leaving me behind". i had to take you back into 'the dump' and you had to spend the night alone in an empty house. i can't imagine what you were thinking that night as i tried to sleep in a bed, in a new place, a bed you had known so well.
your new home of the past almost couple of years is not so bad. you are loved so very much and are well taken care of. it's been great spending time once again with you and mookie.
your eyes do well up with tears baby girl and i do understand.
i miss you too.
i am so sorry.
how does one segue from jesus to roller coasters?
i guess one just does.
yesterday was spent at Knott's Berry Farm. I don't know how many pictures i took yesterday, not one came out good. i am not sure if it were the vodka shots or the green weed smoke that did me in. yes, i am a firm believer in 2nd hand smoke. i also lost my voice. which most people that know me would tell you, it's a damn great thing!
speaking of bad pictures, what is up with amusement parks and their pictures? why not just put cameras in the restrooms while we all take shits? because that is always the faces that you see.
clockwise ex-husband #1 (peter), myself, louis their son, and chris, peters husband. not so complicated as it sounds.
i was in heaven yesterday. not only because of the company, who mean the world to me, but also for the rides. i have to say that the Xcelerator kicks some major ass. chris and i rode that together, right after the supreme scream. we could not stop cussing nor laughing.
i am still smiling and laughing. what a great day at the park.
it's really not about cute, furry cuddly bunny wa-butts and candy and eggs now is it?
it's really about the savage, cruel death of a man, condemned and put to death by the jews and the roman occupiers who did not want to get involved. a man who proclaimed he was the son of GOD.
the son of GOD.
the jews felt he was a blasphemer and not the messiah. not the true one.
*
who really knows, you know? if a 'man' is willing to stand up for his beliefs and